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The Budget Doctor Q&A

Question: I make slightly more than my husband does and if we divide our bills, my bills are less than his are. Right now, we have our pay checks directly deposited into one account and I pay our bills and put money aside for "fun" and a house (we are currently renting). My husband is not financially responsible - he didn't pay his medical bills and he has horrible credit card debt from before we met. He thinks we have a "money tree" and he can buy unnecessary purchases ALL the time. My question is: do we separate our bills and money? If we do, my concern is that he will not pay his bills on time and I will be more financially responsible for him than I already am. I know he will spend his money like water and not save for a house or other big items and I will have to pay for everything. Please help!

Answer: Thanks for writing. First, you must understand that you do not have a money problem; you have a relationship problem. Your husband’s values are so different from your’s that you have a compatibility issue. Your resentment comes through loud and clear. I would suspect that your husband also feels some resentment, or perhaps he feels insecure because you earn more than he does. The only real answer is counseling. You must both be willing to accommodate the other person’s attitudes and understand your own fears and resentments. If you cannot learn to compromise and respect each other’s values, your marriage is not likely to last. In the interim, I certainly suggest separating your finances. This will not help your marriage but it will remove one cause of resentment. Keep separate bank accounts and definitely keep your credit separate. Divide expenses such as rent and assign one person the responsibility to make those payments. Ideally, you could get your husband to write you a check for his share and you would make all payments, but I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum on this. Immediately cancel any credit cards that are in both names but tell your husband you are doing this to protect your credit rating (which is the truth). I’d also delay buying a house or any other major purchase until you work through this problem. You need to be especially careful if you live in a community property state. These are: • Arizona • California • Idaho • Louisiana • Nevada • New Mexico • Texas • Washington • Wisconsin You are likely liable for some of your husband’s debt anyway, but in these states you are almost certain to have responsibility. This is a very common problem and all too often we see it end in divorce. When a majority of those filing for divorce says that the cause is money, they are really saying that it was disagreements about money. Those disagreements stem from having different values and different goals. I often say that if one partner has a goal of visiting China and the other has a goal of buying a Harley, things are not going to end well unless there is enough money for both. Any reputable counselor is going to have a huge amount of experience dealing with this issue. If your marriage is worth saving, get on it quickly. If it is not worth saving, start separating your finances quickly.

Good Luck! The Budget Doctor