It's All Relative!

The Budget Doctor’s Advice on Families and Money

We are born at a very young age and we get no role in selecting any of our relatives until many years later. We then get to select spouses and make decisions about our own children but for the most part families are inherited. Strangely, many people prefer the relatives they were given to the ones they selected so it may not matter how you gained your family.

There are those who reject all family members and pretend to have no relatives, but those people often become very sad when they need a kidney transplant. The fact is, relatives can be and often are very important to us whether we like them or not. The key to survival in a family is to have a strict code of conduct from which you never stray. This is especially important when it comes to money since money is the root of many family problems.

Most families have members who are better off than others. That is a natural occurrence and it does not suggest any obligation on the part of the well-off family members. Some families have members who are truly needy. That does suggest an obligation on the part of the less needy. This is not an on-going or continual obligation. It is an obligation to lend a hand when you would want someone to lend you a hand under similar circumstances.

Here is the Budget Doctor's rules for dealing with relatives:

1. Don't invest with the idea of gain.
   If you give a family member money to start a business or some other venture, expect to lose it and do not dwell on it. If you can't afford to lose it, don't invest it.
2. Write down every financial transaction with relatives.
   Memories are not always precise and it may be important to be able to demonstrate that you made three donations and not two.
3. Keep lines of communication open.
   Do not keep secrets when helping family members. Although giving $200 to one relative may seem to set a precedent, it also lets the family know how much more help may be needed. If you're ashamed of helping, don't help.
4. Do not enable.
   Never give cash to an addict or to someone unwilling to help themselves. You might buy food and deliver it but it is better to be estranged from a relative than to help them in self-destruction.
5. Do not lecture or demand conditions.
   Most people who become needy due to poor decisions are quite aware of those decisions. If the person doesn't deserve help, just refuse to give help. Don't substitute judgment for help.

One of the toughest things about dealing with family members is deciding who is a family member. If you have a cousin you haven't seen in twenty years you are free to erase that person from your family tree. You get to decide who is a member of your family and who is close enough to get help (or to ask for help). In fact a good way of defining family members is to list those relatives you would consider asking for help if needed.

Robert Frost said that "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." He'd probably also agree that family members are people that, when you have to get help, they feel they have to help you.

Family members are a lot like bacteria; they aren't all helpful but we would be in trouble if we didn't have some.